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Here are a few funny jokes and quotes about flying.

The three worst things to hear in the cockpit:

The second officer says, “Oh shit!”
The first officer says, “I have an idea!”
The captain say, “Hey, watch this!”

Why I Want To Be A Pilot

When I grow up I want to be a pilot because it’s a fun job and easy to
do. That’s why there are so many pilots flying around these days.

Pilots don’t need much school. They just have to learn to read numbers
so they can read their instruments.

I guess they should be able to read a road map, too.

Pilots should be brave to they won’t get scared it it’s foggy and they
can’t see, or if a wing or motor falls off.

Pilots have to have good eyes to see through the clouds, and they can’t
be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are much closer to them
than we are.

The salary pilots make is another thing I like. They make more money
than they know what to do with. This is because most people think that
flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots don’t because they know how easy it is.

I hope I don’t get airsick because I get carsick and if I get airsick,
I couldn’t be a pilot and then I would have to go to work.

— purported to have been written by a fifth grade student at Jefferson S chool, Beaufort, SC. It was first published in the South Carolina Aviation News.

I don’t like flying because I’m afraid of crashing into a large
mountain. I don’t think Dramamine is going to help.

— Kaffie, in the 1992 movie ‘A Few Good Men.’

If God had intended man to fly, He would not have invented Spanish Air Traffic Control.

— Lister, in the BBC TV series, ‘Red Dwarf.’

Airline P.A.: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Glasgow, we hope you enjoyed your flight and thank you for flying Easyjet. If you didn’t enjoy your flight, thank you for flying Ryanair.

— heard by a Great Aviation Quotes reader, 2005.

If black boxes survive air crashes — why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

— George Carlin

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you”.

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”