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The following quotes are supposedly actual quotes from Doctors in Hospitals around Britain. Who knows if they are actually true, some of them are rather funny though.

A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the taxi’.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.
‘Big breaths,’. I instructed.

‘Yes, they used to be,’. . . replied the patient..

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
‘massive internal fart.’

During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
‘Which one ?’. . .. I asked.

‘The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

I was never really much good at maths at school. I got by but only just. Fractions, long multiplication and algebra were really never my thing.

Now I have found what my version of a pie chart should look like, it’s simple, easy to follow and fits in to all parts of life!

How many types of facial hair can you name?

How long did the Rubik’s Cube take you to complete? When I was growing up I pleaded with my Mum and Dad to get one…..eventually I did. I spent hours in my room, watching TV, travelling to school etc praying that one day I would finally complete the puzzle. Hours of enjoyment turned to frustration and finally my only answer was to take it to pieces and then rebuild it, with all the pieces ending up in the correct place….Yippeeeee….I had completed it, ok so I cheated. Here is yet another way to crack the Rubik’s Cube.

Following past posts of funny and amusing signs, I decided that it was about time that I posted more of the funny pics of useless and weird signs from around the world.

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This is probably the best advice you will get on how to avoid the flu!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can’t, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can. Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor’s approach. Think about it…
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol…
Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So…….

I walk to the pub. (exercise)
I put lime in my vodka…(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)
Tell rude jokes and laugh….(eliminate stress)
Then I pass out. (rest)

The way I see it…
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can’t get you!

This should have happened to her by now!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when…

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you..

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses .

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12.. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

It’s never easy getting old….So I am told lol. Lets just try and find out why not!!

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Don’t you just wish you had a camera when one of those funny moments happens right before your very eyes? Well luckily enough, these people did. Whether it is making George Bush look a total arse of himself…(again) or ruining a family picture or even a reputation. Camera’s are great!!

What exactly is the soldier doing to the poor defenceless camel?

Is George W really talking to anyone??

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This ought to make all grandpas feel warm and cozy……

A six year old went to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.
When they got to the hospital, he ran ahead of his grandma and burst into his grandpa’s room.
‘Grandpa, Grandpa,’ he said excitedly, ‘as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog! ”What?’ said his grandpa

‘Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re going to Disney World !!!!!!!’